SEX WITHOUT PROBLEMS

Difficulty in Reaching Orgasm

Everyone can orgasm, but not everyone does. Orgasms vary from person to person -- there is no 'natural' or typical orgasm; some women need direct clitoral stimulation during sex in order to have an orgasm, others don't. The orgasm is an important part of sex, but it is not the most important.

The inability to experience an orgasm is a common sexual problem, especially with women. Roughly one in 10 women (and this could be a conservative estimate) report never having an orgasm but in most cases the problem can be overcome.

Facts About Orgasm

Orgasms vary from person to person - there is no 'natural' or typical orgasm; some women need direct clitoral stimulation (touching of the clitoris) during sex in order to have an orgasm, others don't.

The orgasm is not the most important part of sex, it is an important part.

Not every sexual encounter - masturbatory or with a partner - has to climax with an orgasm.

'Coming together' is not as common as sexual 'gossip' would have us believe - most partners have mutual orgasms only occasionally, some couples never do.

In their youth, a majority of women find reaching orgasm hard - as they get older and become more sexually experienced, it becomes easier. Sexual intercourse alone, that is, penetration of a woman's vagina by a man's penis, may be sufficient to bring the man to climax. But it very often is not enough to make a woman reach orgasm - in fact it is very common for a woman not to have an orgasm if her only sexual stimulation is intercourse.

An orgasm is much more likely to eventuate if both partners are relaxed and happy about having sex together, are 'turned-on' by each other and are able to arouse and excite each other in ways that are mutually satisfying.

The inability to experience an orgasm is a common sexual problem, especially so with women. Roughly 1 in 10 women (and this could be a conservative estimate) report never having an orgasm but in most cases the problem can be overcome.

What is an Orgasm?

During sex, muscles in the man's penis and the woman's genitals become stimulated and tense. When this tension is released at the peak of sexual excitement, men and women experience an intense, very pleasant and sometimes overwhelming physical and mental feeling - this is called an orgasm or climax. Usually, the man ejaculates during (or at the end) of an orgasm.

After puberty, boys and girls may experience orgasms during dreams whilst asleep. These are often called wet dreams. Later, most people explore their sexuality alone through masturbation and then sex and mutual masturbation with a partner, sometimes experiencing an accompanying orgasm.

What Are the Causes of Orgasm Difficulty?

Many people who are involved in relationships, even those who have overcome previous feelings of sexual inadequacy, focus on the orgasm above all other aspects of sex - it becomes the single goal of a sexual encounter, a point of obsession. By making the orgasm the primary sexual focus we risk being unable to have one at all - through fear of not having one, or our partner not having one, not coming together or not feeling 'the earth move'.

By putting all your eggs in the orgasm 'basket' you can establish patterns of sexual behavior and routines that allow misapprehension, anxiety, embarrassment and fear about sexual performance to compound into recurring difficulties in achieving orgasm.

Many men (and quite a few women) think, incorrectly, that a woman should be able to come 'at the drop of a hat' and several times (multiple orgasms) during just one session of sex. This is neither common, nor necessary for pleasurable sex. Women can enjoy sex without having an orgasm. There are times when most women will not be in a mood to, or will be unable to, climax. Often, when a woman doesn't reach orgasm during intercourse, it is because she has not been sufficiently stimulated or aroused by her partner - there may have been little or no foreplay, for example.

Frequently, partners don't talk to each other about what arouses them during sex, what pleasures, positions and movements can lead them to a fulfilling orgasm - often, men simply don't do enough in bed to enable the woman to climax.

What Can We Do?

Remember, what appeals to one, doesn't appeal to another, for example, some people like their nipples touched or even pinched, others don't. Try to have sex when you are both ready - not too tired, not angry, not ill - you both have to be in the mood.

Don't strive for simultaneous orgasms - enjoy your partner's orgasm by watching and helping him or her come to a climax, then let them share your pleasure when you reach orgasm.

"Training" for Orgasm

Patience is needed because it will take time to unlearn repressions and anxieties; and to learn the touches, feelings and thoughts that will arouse you and continue to arouse you to the point of climax. The techniques can be practiced alone - at least at the beginning - and then with your partner. Remember, they have to learn what they can do to stimulate you, it's a two-way street.

Relaxed and naked (perhaps in a warm bath), explore your body - your face and neck, breasts, nipples, stomach, thighs. Touch and stoke yourself in the way you would like to be caressed by your lover - learn and enjoy those things that really stimulate you.

Let these sessions take as much time as you need to reach an orgasm during masturbation - take things slowly and be relaxed. There's no pressure, no clock to watch, no instant, magic climax to reach.

Eventually, you will want to share these experiences with your partner; guide them around those parts of your body that aroused you when you stimulated them - let him find other ways to arouse you too. Let your partner stimulate your clitoris - over time, when you find yourself on the brink of orgasm after your partner has touched and caressed your clitoris, move straight on to intercourse, with you or your partner continuing to stimulate your clitoris. If at any time you find you're worried about not reaching orgasm, or you suspect there might be a physical reason preventing you, consult your medical practitioner.