Lack of Sexual Desire in Men

Libido is an instinctive force that drives you through life. It gives you your desire or need for sex and the physical and mental resources you have to meet that need. There is no such thing as a 'normal' libido; it varies from woman to woman and man to man.

There are times when nearly all women experience a lack of libido -- they simply don't feel like having sex. There are some women whose lack of desire is with them most or all of their lives. Loss of sexual desire or libido -- unresponsiveness -- is a common problem among women.

Why Do Men Lack a Desire for Sex?

Sex within relationships may be fairly frequent when the relationship is just starting and the thrill can be pursued sometimes at the expense of other things such as work, study, other friendships, playing sport or simply going out together. Gradually though, other demands take their toll - other commitments loom large, particularly work and study, family matters, household chores.

In most relationships, over time, sex can be relegated to the last thing before bed, something to do on weekends or on holiday. It can become a routine. Often, one partner feels the other partner expects sex at a particular time and the sex can become one-sided or half-hearted, the spontaneity and romance just aren't there. Worries about whether we're satisfying our partner or, whether they are satisfying us, or about work and finances can inhibit our desire for sex. Feeling anxious about your own sexual performance can be a major factor in turning you away from sex.

Some partners feel pressured into having sex because they feel the other partner always wants it. Sexual myth would have us believe in the male's 'dominance' in bed and his capacity to have sex at any time and as often as he or his partner desires - a man's self-image can be set against this incorrect stereotype. Many men are genuinely anxious about how they 'rate' in bed compared with their partner's previous partners and the mythical super-males depicted in the media - this anxiety compounds sexual problems, with each successive sexual encounter becoming more difficult or less desirable than the last.

Loss of sexual desire can occur when the man fears sex - it can cause him to have sex less often with his partner or not actively seek sexual partners at all. Some men, who are not happy in a particular relationship, may be disinclined to have sex with their partner but will masturbate or have sex with other partners, so their lack of sexual desire is not general, it is specifically related to their main partner.

It may be that the man is suppressing his true sexual self - he may be gay or bisexual - and has no desire to continue having sex with his present partner. A few men, even in long term relationships, may fear getting their partner pregnant - this can happen even if both partners have agreed, at least on the surface, to have children. The man may suppress his true desires about starting or extending a family and the prospect of intercourse may stifle desire and arousal.

Lack of sexual desire can increase gradually - and naturally - as we age: sex is not the same at 60 as it was at 25, but it can be just as fulfilling and important. It is very difficult for a man to hide his lack of sexual desire from his partner because his lack of sexual arousal is so physically obvious - his penis may not be, or not stay, erect or he may have difficulty ejaculating.

Exercises to Rekindle Sexual Desire

On your own, gently touch and stroke your naked body - lightly massage and caress yourself, perhaps in a warm shower, bath, in bed or on a soft rug, using a water-based lubricant, body lotion, soap lather or your own saliva. Think about your sexual feelings - 'listen' with your emotions as your fingers gently touch each part of your body, concentrate on your 'self' and what feelings (emotional and physical) arouse and stimulate you.

When you've become confident about self-stimulation and massage, try these techniques with your partner. Find the right time and place for the exploration to begin: use massage oil, lotion and lubricants if you wish - start slowly and sensuously with no goal other than relaxation, and feeling good. Recall from your own self-stimulation what touches and caresses aroused or relaxed you and gently ask your partner to try them. Gently massage, touch and explore your partner's body - find out what stimulates or relaxes your partner, remember to go slowly. Unless you both feel so inclined, avoid touching each other's genitals, you're aiming to re-acquaint yourself with your partner's body - the pressure of sex (whether from you or your partner) must not be an issue.

Don't pressure, or be pressured by your partner to take these exercises too quickly: when you're both ready, start to touch and caress each other's genitals, softly and in tune with what you both desire - and remember to tell each other what is and what isn't a turn-on. These exercises should continue for as long as it takes both partners to feel confident about having sex together - but remembering that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of each and every sexual encounter.

What Can Be Done?

Alternatively, you may feel you have been suppressing sexual feelings for most of your life; perhaps because of a particular cultural, environmental or religious background or a traumatic incident in your childhood. If so, you should seek the assistance of a counsellor.

Depression and similar disorders, and grief after the death of a relative or close friend, can temporarily suppress many feelings of desire: the desire to eat or control eating, the desire to work, the desire to be involved and the desire to have sex. Treatment for any such disorders should be sought from a qualified specialist. Talking with your partner is one of the most important things you can do to overcome your lack of sexual desire. Don't suppress the problem, bring it out into the open.

Men sometimes believe, even today, that it is 'unmanly' to cry, be overtly tender or emotionally open within a relationship - frustration about sex can arise when a man is unable to tell his partner his inner most fears and anxieties about his so-called sexual 'performance', his needs, worries and any feelings of guilt.

There will be periods in your life, for example, when you are very tired, over stressed by work and other commitments or have been ill, when you may experience a lack of sexual desire - this is a normal response. It is important to put these feelings into perspective, to understand the reasons behind them, and understand they need only be temporary - worrying about why you don't feel like sex can turn temporary feelings into a pattern of sexual anxiety. Be positive about your sexual 'self' - don't put off sex because you think you're going to 'flunk' or not come up to your partner's expectations or your perceptions of those expectations. Tell yourself you can, and will, have terrific sex with your partner. If you don't feel like 'full-on' sex, tell your partner, don't leave her guessing.

And don't let your relationship become intercourse-centred, explore other aspects of your relationship: physical affection like cuddling, necking, massage, sensual touch. Feel good about discovering other kinds of sex - playful acts such as tickling and caressing, oral sex, mutual masturbation. 'Variety is the spice of life'.

To lessen the routine feeling of sex, to make it feel fresh and more exciting, it's important not to lock in to familiar patterns of sex - the same positions, limited foreplay, no seduction, a focus on penetration, no 'adventure'. Try to recover some sexual spontaneity. Take time to have a 'quickie' occasionally, but don't force things, if you both feel like it, go for it; don't lock in to the same time every other night, especially when you're tired or stressed.

Be true to yourself and your partner - if you are unwilling to have children, but your partner is and you are worried about getting her pregnant, be honest and discuss your differing expectations. Think about how often you would like to have sex - with your partner, or with someone else. If you would like to have sex more often with your current partner, think about the reasons why you don't - are you put off by your partner's criticism (verbal or otherwise) of your 'performance'; are you turned-off by what your partner does during sex; are there positions and techniques you would like to try with your partner; is there something about yourself that you believe turns your partner off; is your partner more sexually 'driven' than you?

If you would like to have less sex with your partner or more sex, but with someone else, think about the reasons why - are you no longer aroused or turned-on by your partner; are you with the 'right' partner, do you believe your partner has certain expectations of you that you feel you cannot fulfill? If you are troubled by work hassles, by finances or by family, try to resolve these problems or discuss them with your partner or at least put them at the back of your mind before taking them to bed with you. If you believe you are gay, unhappy with your present relationship and would prefer a gay lifestyle, don't suppress it, seek counselling from gay support agencies.

Some men, who are in a heterosexual relationship and are genuinely in love with their partner and lifestyle, and who often or nearly always have sexual fantasies about men when they masturbate or have sex with their partner, do not necessarily want to adopt a gay lifestyle or have male lovers.

A problem arises for these men (and their partners) if their fantasies intrude into their relationship and affect sex with, or desire for, their partner, of if the man pursues relationships with other men. Sometimes guilt about suppressed or concealed sexual yearnings, experimentation or extramarital affairs can lead you to have a lack of sexual desire for your present partner.

If you masturbate often, are in a relationship and experience a lack of sexual desire for your partner, you could try masturbating less, 'saving-up' your sexual desires for sex with your partner. It is very easy, especially if your lifestyle is busy, to get fast fulfillment from masturbation, making sex with your partner seem too much trouble. Once you've thought about these issues and your needs and wants, you should discuss them with your partner or, if you feel that's not possible, with a trusted friend or professional counsellor or sex therapist.